now

This past Thursday I left for Louisiana with Steve Hayes and some guys from church to clear yards and houses of fallen trees left by Hurricane Rita. I went because I was ready to think about someone else’s life instead of mine.

Pensive thinking has been my lot. It hasn’t been hard, just what I have been doing seemingly non-stop, even in light of destruction around me.

Earlier this last week, a friend looked at me while we were enjoying a good cigar and said, “doesn’t seem like you are living in the now, lately.” This comment stuck with me daily. I consider myself one of the most “now” people in the world, even to a fault at times.

There have been people in my life who have challenged me to think more ahead, to have a plan, and to build for it. Then, there are those who challenge me to the “now.” It would be easy to dismiss either of the appeals as needing one of the other to balance out, but that in itself lends more questions…one really important one…is balance what we need? Is it of the kingdom?

I like the idea of balance. It appeals to the American Dream inside of me. Jesus seemed to be real balanced but, at the same time, totally not. We are told that God is not the author of confusion, balance is anything but confusing. Jesus knew when each was needed, and each was needed at different specific times. I appeal to the fully-human, fully-God card. Whenever he does things that I see no human doing well with, I throw the fully-God part of the card.

::: SHIFT :::

I was not myself this weekend. I appealed to the humor, to the joke, to the one liner far too much. But didn’t care. I executed my part of the job with a bit more selfishness than I normally would have. I stopped more, rested longer, and lost motivation quicker. I held my own, but I did not strive to be more. I took the high road more than I normally would. I offered my thoughts and suggestions less frequently, basically I am saying I did not feel like I needed to engage in leadership, but follower-ship. I learned quite a few things about follower-ship. If you lead or are a leader, you should try it some time. It is NOT easy.

::: SHIFT :::

Anxiety. Ever fear hearing something? Some news that you expect and if you were in the situation would think very normal and linear? In other words it’s the next obvious development. I am fully expecting some news that I am not looking forward to. It can consume my thoughts at moments of the day. Truth is that it may not come for some time but I am not looking forward to being honest with myself in light of it. The anxiety is of the unknown yet again. But, I know how to tackle the situation and what the Scripture says, sometimes I just don’t want to fight forward. Sometimes I just want to hold my own and stay where I am. I hate that about my flesh. This is it. This is the proving ground of life. This is where we see me.

I hope we see amazing things! May it be a demonstration of the Spirit’s power and not by any effort of mine. My true prayer and hope. Hope…it’s an amazing thing.

LORD, may it be so.