golden calves...(not about a hot chic)

I am studying for my Old Testament exam tomorrow. I was tired of being at the condo alone and in the quiet. I needed something, some change of scenery. I was feeling something, discouragement, even perhaps loneliness, or something of that nature. The goodness in someone else's life was bringing mine into... (searching for a word that captures the idea of mine not being so good).

I jumped in the truck and began heading to Starbuck's to look for an interruption and to run into anyone I knew...that alone might make me feel better about myself...I am not proud of it, but that truly was my motivation. I justified it in an instant by thinking that God had blessed me with knowing many people and that surely one of them was up there. All that was on the radio as I pulled out of the complex was some dumb song (this seems to be normal ) so I hit the CD button and I knew it was a shot in the dark, I had no idea who would be in that little slot of the stereo. 'Be Near' by Shane and Shane came on mid-song while I was calling a chic on the cell phone. I felt a tinge in my soul, hang up I thought, but the phone was ringing.

"Be near, Your nearness is to us, our good..."

I was calling this chic because I was being impatient. I was calling someone I knew would make me feel needed, encouraged, loved, even significant. (Yikes, this was quite a trip to Starbuck's I was to have) The song faded amidst the phone call. No one was at Starbuck's, but I was complemented on my glasses...seems to happen often, I guess I made a good choice.

I wanted something to make me feel something. In short, I bypassed seeking my wholeness in the LORD and shortcut to calling someone. I basically pulled a golden calf like the Israelites at Mt. Sinai.

"When the people saw that Moses was so long in coming down from the mountain, they gathered around Aaron and said, "Come make us gods who will go before us. As for this fellow Moses who brought us out of Egypt, we don't know what happened to him." EXODUS 32

Basically, Israel got impatient, right after they committed to Yahweh that He would be their God, and they would be His people. It was even specified that they were to not make any images or statues to worship.

I think to myself all the time how dumb they were. But, tonight I was humbled that as I commit to find myself and my strength in Jesus Christ, shortly after, I become impatient and try and find fulfillment in people. The antonym of Him (thank you David Crowder).

These are my golden calves, the things that I think represent God at work, but in turn, are temptation away from Him. Things from God, being used against God, ironic.

May it only be in You. May I find myself in You alone and the satisfaction that comes from only knowing you in me.

formerly a recovering catholic, now a recovering southern baptist...

Well, what better way to spend a weekend than cutting loose with the fellas.

I woke up at 3am on Friday to catch a flight with Tyler and Steve David to Chicago...a place I have never been outside the airport of. We got seats on the flight and met up with two other guys hooking up with us to go to South Bend, Indiana. South Bend, for all of you who live under a rock, is the Home of the Fightin’ Irish of Notre Dame. That's right...Home of RUDY...and other Catholics.

We met up with Jaime and Tom, turns out Tom and I share friends of the family the True's. Anywho, we took off to the campus after getting to our hotel and meeting up with Jaime's little brother, Uncle, and Cousin.

Pep rally time it was. I have never seen an arena so packed...full with old people who can't let go of their college haydays. Standing room only. It was a good time but only made better when the band played that famous Victory March, at lesser campuses it is called a fight song...here a Victory March. It was also the 'victory march' of my high school back in New Jersey growing up...A fine tribe of Catholic men were we.

I felt close to my past days at St. Joes while on this campus...it really is a sub-culture, one that I appreciated this weekend. The leaves were changing vibrantly, the accents were thick and the beer was flowing among the construction-boot clad men of the frozen tundra region while they tailgated.

The game was as good as it could get. Front-row, 10 yard line, and most of the action was right in front of us as the golden helmeted battled across the end zone defeating the BYU Mormons heavily. Great game.

Better than the game was the dude time we spent. Making like the married guys were stickin-it to their wives by being there, and talking all tough about being the man and telling their wives what to do, each one of them checked in back home multiple times throughout the day exposing the lie. Behind their lies was the fact that each one of them secretly wanted that moment that Steve and Tyler were sharing, father-son time, and deeper than that, they each would have loved to share something as great as this with their wives, building on their intimacy. At least it seemed so to me.

It was great to cut lose with Tyler and Steve and just be dudes who love our Jesus and know they don't deserve his grace. We cussed. We drank. We adjusted things and spit. We made fun of just about everything... especially one another. Things that I used to associate with being Catholic...but that was a misjudgement. Growing up I understood my Catholic upbringing as Bob Hope sees sailors..."They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild
oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."

As a new entry into a mainly Baptist environment a few years ago, I thought this behavior was just so 'pagan.' Now, it seems more balanced than Southern Baptist life. Now let me say that our behavior was entirely in reserve and under control, please don't think all we did was cuss and get drunk, no one was even close to drunk. But, is was a very 'real' weekend.

Real Jesus. Real growth. Real Jesus growth. Isn't that what we are supposed to be focused on? It is not about behavior...it has never been about behaving a certain way. Sure, if we love Him, we obey Him, but we don't ACT like him to try and PLEASE Him...do we think He can be fooled? It has always been about growth in the heart of a sinful person toward God, no matter what increment.

Radiance.

all things comfortable:::

I miss all things comfortable. I had people that I would call to help me feel better about not having a significant hottie in my life...of course mostly girls, mostly only specific girls. The ones that made me feel good about myself. I actually found comfort in all the emails I used to get. I used to even like the fact that my phone used to ring off the hook. The emails are not often. The phone calls fewer. I like it...a lot.

But, I do miss what was comfortable, and I find myself looking for that still. But, the good news is that I am okay without it...actually better without. Sometimes God calls me into the quiet and lonely. And I hate it. But it is good to be alone with Him and to realize that He is what matters.

I had a conversation last night with someone, and if she is reading...hello friend. I want you to know that no matter how scary this next thing is...the one thing that matters is you. You and Him. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says, just what He wants you to walk through in positioning you for the next thing. This positioning will prepare, and might include breaking what you are comfortable with about yourself down, and rebuilding you and equipping you with everything you need in confidence in Him for the next thing. It will include discovery of rooms of His heart you could have never imagined, nor wanted. But you will be able to look back and see what He broke down and put in place, and what he puts in place is always better, because it is always more of Him. I have no idea if this makes any sense. But, it does to me and I needed to say it.

All things comfortable to me are being made new. Redefined. Repaired. Revisioned. This surrendering is difficult but so very good.

Have me...I am trying to climb upon the altar. Give me the strength and faith. I know it to be right.

Radiance.

welp...big gulps huh?

Gotta say, some days are better than others. But, this you knew. Everyone has those. This is no surprise. But the thing I want to look at is why they bumm us out. I mean, we know they are coming. But is it that we expect everyday to be awesome and exciting? Or that our lives be better than others? This I have no idea.

So if our hope is in Christ, and it is a living hope (see 1 and 2 Peter), than what I am thinking is that I am low in the ol' hope tank today. Don't get me wrong, I barely made it through worship at church this week without weeping at how amazing the LORD really is and that He would rescue one like me and ransom me to His side. It is a thought that stops me in my tracks at least daily. It could be the low energy due to the paper I wrote late into the night...1 of 5 that I am writing this week. Or, could be a day of learning for me. You ever have those days where you think, what else could there possibly be to learn about this situation in my life, and...it seemingly is a lesson that you have already gone through.

I am hoping that the LORD is positioning me for something... I KNOW He is, but sometimes I feel like we are wasting time and all I am learning is to wait. And that can be a really, really good thing.

I am not a patient person. I am like Old Testament Israel in this way. Ready to solve a problem humanly and make a decision. It has been hard to not be able to do this lately. I am in the waiting room. So, then there's that.

Big gulps Huh? Welp, see ya later.

joy...happiness...collision...

Happiness is the volcanic-like eruption of Joy. It comes and goes, not always visible, and the conditions have to be right. Joy is the vibrant, fluid, active, passionate "stuff" that sits under the surface and IS there always. Happiness is the "stuff" that energetically shoots out of the overflow of our lives as a result of the Joy that is within us. Lately for me it has been a really great movie that brings it out (go see ELIZABETHTOWN) or a collision of life's circles of influence that lead you to see your life from a few hundred feet's perspective. Whatever it may be it causes a temporary vacation from the pensive state of late.

If you actually know me, then you likely know that I am wading through a season mentioned in my earlier postings that is one of greatest transitions and reshaping times of my life. My pride is asking me to make sure that you are aware that it isn't a result of major sin gone unaddressed, lack of motivation or options in my near future and for damn sure it is not laziness and lack of vision. It may be lack of CLEAR vision, but it is not penalty...it is preparation. I think.

I have been happy the last few days in a way that I have not for some time. My worlds collided in the last few days. My old church family, with my new, my old roommates with my current roommates. My old friends with new friends, and my past with my future. Robbie and Dan made me feel like it hasn't been 5 years, B and Teddy made me feel like we were at home again. And, in the strangest of places, meeting a friend of a mutual friend who wants to pray me through this season of my life. Jesus followers are amazing sometimes. And not to mention my pastor was wearing camouflage cargo pants on a random night...I think that is the freaking coolest thing out there for some reason. (not a militant thing there folks...but a fashion thing...evidently camo is back...and in many colors)

::: SHIFT :::

One thing I have been pensive about is routine. Routines seem bad, it implies robotic , life-less and non-considered actions. But, these are good things. It means that there are things that need to get done on a regular basis that really require little thought at all. Things like coming home and washing your face and brushing your teeth at night...they benefit your appearance and all around health of your body. You really don't need to consider whether or not you should do those things.

Then there is the interruption of routine. When life goes through a transition and all major blocks of routine are gone and scattered and relocated. It is during the reshuffling that the emotions get involved. This is where I have found myself wondering and unsure of what to place in place of things that held that place. Follow me there? Read it again...it will make sense.

The point is this. When routines change the enemy can really get you if you are left by yourself with blocks of open time in your routine. I am not advocating placing things into the routine just to be busy, but to be sober minded when finding yourself and myself with blocks of open time. Money can play a role into this, not having any leaves you at home instead of out with friends having a good time on the patio of Thomas Ave Pub, one of my favorite places.

Change in sociological groupings, workload, demand, and even just whether or not the season is to be one of pensive thought and angst all can play into this stuff. But, the lesson is that the LORD Almighty gets what He wants and deserves quite honestly. You can prepare all you want for challenge and 'be prepared' to walk through a time ready to minimize the pain, but if you are called into the pain, you are going to go through the pain...if that is what it takes to open your arms up for worship in a new way as a result of the new room of God's heart you have just walked through. It is all worth it.

::: SHIFT :::

A friend of mine said to me one time, "I think I realy like that word majesty." I agreed. Majesty is an amazing thought. If I were to talk to her today I would say, "You know, I think I really like the word radiance." and...END SCENE

now

This past Thursday I left for Louisiana with Steve Hayes and some guys from church to clear yards and houses of fallen trees left by Hurricane Rita. I went because I was ready to think about someone else’s life instead of mine.

Pensive thinking has been my lot. It hasn’t been hard, just what I have been doing seemingly non-stop, even in light of destruction around me.

Earlier this last week, a friend looked at me while we were enjoying a good cigar and said, “doesn’t seem like you are living in the now, lately.” This comment stuck with me daily. I consider myself one of the most “now” people in the world, even to a fault at times.

There have been people in my life who have challenged me to think more ahead, to have a plan, and to build for it. Then, there are those who challenge me to the “now.” It would be easy to dismiss either of the appeals as needing one of the other to balance out, but that in itself lends more questions…one really important one…is balance what we need? Is it of the kingdom?

I like the idea of balance. It appeals to the American Dream inside of me. Jesus seemed to be real balanced but, at the same time, totally not. We are told that God is not the author of confusion, balance is anything but confusing. Jesus knew when each was needed, and each was needed at different specific times. I appeal to the fully-human, fully-God card. Whenever he does things that I see no human doing well with, I throw the fully-God part of the card.

::: SHIFT :::

I was not myself this weekend. I appealed to the humor, to the joke, to the one liner far too much. But didn’t care. I executed my part of the job with a bit more selfishness than I normally would have. I stopped more, rested longer, and lost motivation quicker. I held my own, but I did not strive to be more. I took the high road more than I normally would. I offered my thoughts and suggestions less frequently, basically I am saying I did not feel like I needed to engage in leadership, but follower-ship. I learned quite a few things about follower-ship. If you lead or are a leader, you should try it some time. It is NOT easy.

::: SHIFT :::

Anxiety. Ever fear hearing something? Some news that you expect and if you were in the situation would think very normal and linear? In other words it’s the next obvious development. I am fully expecting some news that I am not looking forward to. It can consume my thoughts at moments of the day. Truth is that it may not come for some time but I am not looking forward to being honest with myself in light of it. The anxiety is of the unknown yet again. But, I know how to tackle the situation and what the Scripture says, sometimes I just don’t want to fight forward. Sometimes I just want to hold my own and stay where I am. I hate that about my flesh. This is it. This is the proving ground of life. This is where we see me.

I hope we see amazing things! May it be a demonstration of the Spirit’s power and not by any effort of mine. My true prayer and hope. Hope…it’s an amazing thing.

LORD, may it be so.